Heya, long time no see…
Hi, I am the victim, oh no wait, I shouldn’t call myself a victim because I should not speak negative words out loud, but if I dont speak out what I feel then how would I live? okay then I should, no wait I think people will judge me if I say anything and may be they will form a negative opinion about me, no wait I should be focusing on my career as a techie and chemist and should not write about such vulnerabilities becuase what if companies or hiring professionals come to know about it they wont hire me and might see my mental struggle as a shortcoming while hiring, yes I should be silent, but what if my friends and family ever reached out to my profile here on medium and read about my personal blogs and get to know such thing about me and surely once they do they will definitely make fun of me everytime they meet me and in family gatherings god it will be embarassing and frustrating I dont want them to know right? They will start to think that I'm crazy and mad, and most definitely, I don’t want my siblings to find out about it. So yes, I shouldn't be writing about it, okay, not writing, so now you are going to go back and hide in your shell, huh? (inner voice)...yaadda yadda yadda, and we fall into an endless loop from here on, welcome to the whirlpool.
I hope you got a general idea of what I suffer through on a daily basis, basically suffering x the number of times I had to make a decision in a day. Yeah, my decision-making is dangerously nudging towards zero, even negative, because of the mess you just read. Yeah, so this is GAD-Generalized anxiety disorder.
It's the big ghost in my closet, so what do I actually wanna do? What are my instincts? What do I want? What do I like to do? Basically nothing, I dont know what and what not, meaning I have zero idea which direction I should move in, “but codesoup follow the plan”, what plan? There's a plan? There was a plan? Was there ever a solution?
“Talk to people”, people who? what people, my god, “people” that sounds scary.
Oh god, now I am in an all-new mess. It's been 8 years I have been carrying this curse with me, yeah, I have had “good days and bad days”, but yeah, more of them were bad and very few good
It's been 8 years, and I am trying to build my career. Oh no wait, twenty-eight years and that also “trying to”, haven't scraped a single step into the right direction, feels like a curse for sure, well I did actually believe it to be some sort of black magic spell that someone put on me, and that frustrated my deepest core.
Eh, I am tired of writing now. I will keep you updated with more in the coming posts.
Thank you so much for reading.
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